Near my adopted home of Tucson, AZ, up a mountain at over 8000 feet in altitude sits a shop called The Cookie Cabin. When you make it to Summerhaven, AZ, it’s pretty much the only place to eat. They serve pizza, cookies, ice cream, chili, and that’s nearly it.
I went up there last week, showing my boyfriend the beautiful drive up Catalina Highway into the Santa Catalina Mountains. The time before that, I took a friend up the mountain. We got to The Cookie Cabin around the same time as a van with very well behaved church youth group kids. What appeared to be the owner stepped out to complain to us that the kids were even there.
I didn’t see the owner this time. But we did see that the menu said that we have to tell them if a hot cocoa or hot apple cider is going to be given to kids. Why? Is there alcohol in it? “That would probably make my job much more enjoyable,” snarked the pretty cashier. Ummmmmm… she said it’s because those drinks are wildly hot, and they don’t want kids just chugging them (and being burned). So I guess it’s OK to not warn adults how hot they were? And they were hot. Took like 20 minutes to cool down. Weirdly hot.
It’s not that The Cookie Cabin doesn’t welcome their guests. They are actually pretty mad you’re there.
On a summer day, I don’t know how many people stop by The Cookie Cabin. 80? On a winter day… 15? When we went, it was 40 degrees F with high winds and a forecasted rain storm. Not a great day for a 25 mile drive to a $4 cup of hot chocolate. They’re the only game in town.
And they let you know they’re mad you’re there not just with employee behaviour but with signs. Of course they have the hilarious one about badly behaving kids will be given espresso and a free puppy. But that’s the 14th sign you’ll see here. Get to learn the signs of The Cookie Cabin! Click to enlarge all of them.
Welcome! How many signs can we see already? A whole bunch. Let’s get to know how The Cookie Cabin wants to dictate what we can and can’t do. Starting with parking.
Lord forbid someone should not park correctly in front of The Cookie Cabin! They forgot to say how long and wide your vehicle can be, and how many it should be carrying. It’s hard to say which sign you’ll see next, so let’s tour some more of the outside signs that greet and welcome you.
Period. And I mean PERIOD. I had it put on the sign! If your pet doesn’t meet our standards of calmness, you can freaking GO. We can do this! We’re the only food for 25 miles!
And do us a favour, don’t get comfy. Don’t stay too long. Don’t get caught up using your phone or laptop. This isn’t a library! Eat and LEAVE! I’m surprised there isn’t a sign about how long your conversation with friends or family should last.
Look, we’re open 10 to 5. And we don’t want to stay a MINUTE longer. So we close down our pizza oven a half hour earlier. If you show up at 4:45pm and want our crappy pizza, too bad. The oven is OFF. Sure, we’re open, but we don’t want to cook after 4:30! Have a $4 hot cocoa.
We admit it. We hate children. We hate dogs. We hate people. And most of all, we hate your children. Would you please control your awful offspring? And while you’re at it, check yourself.
OK we understand you may have gotten the impression somewhere before walking into the door that we like dogs. We f***ing hate dogs, OK? This sign is on our DOOR so you really can’t miss it. Get your pets OUT of here.
To the right of the front door are some outside tables. They had snow a week ago, and decided to not shovel that area. So they put up yellow CAUTION tape and a sign.
That’s for our Spanish friends too! Don’t go in here! Sure, we didn’t put any other signs in any other languages, but we REALLY don’t want you to try to walk through a foot of unshoveled snow where there are no tables and it’s a dead end.
Near that is a ramp. Probably not ADA compliant. No clue. Couldn’t get past the CAUTION tape. But just in case, you thought ANYBODY could walk on the ramp, guess f***ing again.
Do you have working legs? The Cookie Cabin doesn’t want you walking on their ramp. Take the stairs, Grandma. Cookie Cabin thinks you look fine.
And thanks for coming to The Cookie Cabin.
No really. Thanks for coming. We appreciate you doing business with the only food on the mountain and within a 25 mile radius. Thanks so much for coming in rather than bringing your own food up and enjoying it at one of the many scenic picnic tables along the drive. We appreciate your business.
Warning: If your business has ANY competition or any chance that someone might choose to NOT go there, and you care about that, don’t try this yourself.